Not long after I, Atobe, had swept the court of another unworthy opponent from that the Church will soon be in need of another Holy Father. Shocked, all the media musing about a successor has only left me only more despairing. After so fine a man as Joseph Ratzinger, Benedict XVI, it is hard to imagine a decent follow-up act. Traditionalists, such as Leslie and I, Atobe, desire a Roman Pontiff who will advocate the Catholic religion and culture among the pagans and infidels of the world, while the Modernists want a fellow who imitates them as well as humanly possible. Well, what to do? Thankfully, there is me; always resourceful, I, Atobe, have the solution. It came to me when Crusader reminded me of the English saying, If you want something done right, you've gotta do it yourself.

Of course, Do It Yourself is an American individualist concept that does not apply to me apart from tennis. I, Atobe, am happy to pay others to clean my pool or reroof the chateau, just so long as they're Japanese. Still, if you choose a person you know and trust, such as a sports celebrity, there's nothing to worry about. As it is, Crusader is not quite sold on the idea of a Hyotei grad in the Chair of Peter, but maybe you can see what I've got on the competition.

One of Leslie's favorite papabili is his newly-minted American Cardinal, Timothy Dolan. Sure I, Atobe, admit that he's noteworthy for bucking the clerical tendency to oppose punishment for crime, and am happy he too was mad about the release of the Lockerbie Bomber in 2009 (the chap served roughly two weeks for every person he killed), Dolan, following in line with JPII, has a rather liberal abhorrence of the death penalty as a means of punishment, and I, Atobe, can't say our Japanese hierarchy is much better. But I, Atobe, am proud to hail from a country where hanging, and not some milquetoast method for the faint-hearted, is de mode, and in me the Church would have a prelate who remembers that Whosoever shall shed man's blood, his blood shall be shed: for man was made to the image of God. They tend to leave that out of Theology of the Body and Pro-Life rhetoric these days. 

Then there's image. According to this important popular-opinion sketch I read here, these are some of the requirements for a pope to win approbation from both Catholics and non-Catholics:

Let's sketch a brief overview: first of all, the new Pope will have to be young, oh yes, that is very important. And athletic: John-Paul II was a little, and that was good. He must arouse sympathy, you know, be warm.

Young? You would probably have to go back to the Renaissance to find anyone comparable. And heck, as a sports star, I, Atobe, could really connect with every Lance Armstrong adulator still looking for a new hero, though one might need a bit of an introduction outside the Home Islands. Sure, awe, rather than sympathy, tends to be my thing, but my office would be successor of the Transfigured. 

In addition, a strong signal of modernity would be to pluck him from someplace other than the eternal fish pond of cardinals of Old Europe. The ideal would be - hey! to choose a black guy.

Leslie may be hoping for a staid traditional, conservative Italian pope signaling a return to normalcy, good luck! For those others I, Atobe, ask them to think of it this way. If a Black African pope would be a first, think of a tan, muscular Japanese! We have the best/worst of both worlds: A first world economy, yet are still occupied by the United States like a dinky country with a per capita GDP<$1,000. As much as I, Atobe, admire Benedict XVI and regret the misinterpretation of his Regensburg Address, I'd could really relate to and soothe the Arab street better than our beloved German Shepherd. (Plus, for those who followed the link, I can sing better than Yannick Noah, though I would have liked to play a set or two with him in his prime). 

Then of course, there is the prestige. The only buzz-surrounded candidate with the regal air the Roman Pontiff would need to restore the Papacy to its Pre-Conciliar glory is Cardinal Christoph Maria Michael Hugo Damian Peter Adalbert Graf von Schönborn, Archbishop of Vienna. Note the interminable name, an unfailing indicator of good blood. He is a member of the ancient House of Schönborn, and his ecclesiastical arms even bears the mark of his ancestral heraldry. But (and this is a big but) poor Schön has had a little trouble keeping the Church in the Eastern Realm under wraps. Over 400 clerics, which is more than ten percent of all the priests in Austria, have joined into a Priests Initiative literally giving a "Call to Disobedience" to the Vatican. And the papabile Cardinal has done nothing more than "warn" the schismatics after nearly two years of the stale stunt, rather than excommunicate them and thin the herd like I, Atobe, would. Generally, you need to kick out the lost sheep before he can come back. This leads me to think Schön is a poor heir to his clan, and not a fit man to be pope (and that's not even mentioning his role in the so-called Catechism of the Catholic Church.

Think of the prowess of the Chair of Peter as it once was! We need a Holy Father who will not be ashamed to be carried by his sons in a litter and to don the papal tiara, as we honor him as the Vicar of Christ! I, as "Pope Atobe", would be all that (I am inclined to take the name Urban, which would ring right when it came time to launch the next crusade). After the example of the great anime Hellsing, the Holy Father of Christendom would again shine with holy light and not cast himself down to days devoted to misguided youth. 

Benedict XVI actually emulated that august fictitious pope well when he set up the Anglican ordinariate (much of the anime concerns portrays a greatly exaggerated version of the conflict between the Church founded by Jesus Christ and the Anglican schismatics), and there have even been rumors of a Lutheran ordinariate. A Pope Atobe would proudly continue his tradition of poaching among our separated brethren! (While the logistics of my cherished Soka Gakkai ordinariate might be difficult to work out, I'd figure, if the Church of England, which has not been Christian since at least 1930, gets poached, we might as well hunt out those good Japs who form the backbone of the New Komeito Party, and would likely make stellar Christians.

Naturally, there is the concern that I, Atobe, am not, yet, a cardinal. Thankfully, there is still time, and the Benedict XVI can certainly remedy this oversight and hand me the red hat while he's still in office. (I, Atobe, am amply qualified for holy orders, as I, Atobe, have preserved myself from my bento-giving admirers among the fair sex). Yet, if the Holy Spirit sees fit to have such technicalities rule in this case, anyone will do, so long as it's not Tarcisio Cardinal Bertone, the chief foe of the full Fatima message, whom this Catholic finds the most worrisome pope presumptive since Freemason Cardinal Rampolla, and a Protestant might justly identify with the tribulation.

Be awed at the sight of my prowess!