Not long after I, Atobe, had swept the court of another unworthy opponent from that the Church will soon be in need of another Holy Father. Shocked, all the media musing about a successor has only left me only more despairing. After so fine a man as Joseph Ratzinger, Benedict XVI, it is hard to imagine a decent follow-up act. Traditionalists, such as Leslie and I, Atobe, desire a Roman Pontiff who will advocate the Catholic religion and culture among the pagans and infidels of the world, while the Modernists want a fellow who imitates them as well as humanly possible. Well, what to do? Thankfully, there is me; always resourceful, I, Atobe, have the solution. It came to me when Crusader reminded me of the English saying, If you want something done right, you've gotta do it yourself.
Of course, Do It Yourself is an American individualist concept that does not apply to me apart from tennis. I, Atobe, am happy to pay others to clean my pool or reroof the chateau, just so long as they're Japanese. Still, if you choose a person you know and trust, such as a sports celebrity, there's nothing to worry about. As it is, Crusader is not quite sold on the idea of a Hyotei grad in the Chair of Peter, but maybe you can see what I've got on the competition.
One of Leslie's favorite papabili is his newly-minted American Cardinal, Timothy Dolan. Sure I, Atobe, admit that he's noteworthy for bucking the clerical tendency to oppose punishment for crime, and am happy he too was mad about the release of the Lockerbie Bomber in 2009 (the chap served roughly two weeks for every person he killed), Dolan, following in line with JPII, has a rather liberal abhorrence of the death penalty as a means of punishment, and I, Atobe, can't say our Japanese hierarchy is much better. But I, Atobe, am proud to hail from a country where hanging, and not some milquetoast method for the faint-hearted, is de mode, and in me the Church would have a prelate who remembers that
Then of course, there is the prestige. The only buzz-surrounded candidate with the regal air the Roman Pontiff would need to restore the Papacy to its Pre-Conciliar glory is Cardinal Christoph Maria Michael Hugo Damian Peter Adalbert Graf von Schönborn, Archbishop of Vienna. Note the interminable name, an unfailing indicator of good blood. He is a member of the ancient House of Schönborn, and his ecclesiastical arms even bears the mark of his ancestral heraldry. But (and this is a big but) poor Schön has had a little trouble keeping the Church in the Eastern Realm under wraps. Over 400 clerics, which is more than ten percent of all the priests in Austria, have joined into a Priests Initiative literally giving a "Call to Disobedience" to the Vatican. And the papabile Cardinal has done nothing more than "warn" the schismatics after nearly two years of the stale stunt, rather than excommunicate them and thin the herd like I, Atobe, would. Generally, you need to kick out the lost sheep before he can come back. This leads me to think Schön is a poor heir to his clan, and not a fit man to be pope (and that's not even mentioning his role in the so-called Catechism of the Catholic Church.
Think of the prowess of the Chair of Peter as it once was! We need a Holy Father who will not be ashamed to be carried by his sons in a litter and to don the papal tiara, as we honor him as the Vicar of Christ! I, as "Pope Atobe", would be all that (I am inclined to take the name Urban, which would ring right when it came time to launch the next crusade). After the example of the great anime Hellsing, the Holy Father of Christendom would again shine with holy light and not cast himself down to days devoted to misguided youth.
Naturally, there is the concern that I, Atobe, am not, yet, a cardinal. Thankfully, there is still time, and the Benedict XVI can certainly remedy this oversight and hand me the red hat while he's still in office. (I, Atobe, am amply qualified for holy orders, as I, Atobe, have preserved myself from my bento-giving admirers among the fair sex). Yet, if the Holy Spirit sees fit to have such technicalities rule in this case, anyone will do, so long as it's not Tarcisio Cardinal Bertone, the chief foe of the full Fatima message, whom this Catholic finds the most worrisome pope presumptive since Freemason Cardinal Rampolla, and a Protestant might justly identify with the tribulation.
Be awed at the sight of my prowess!